Denise Hildreth

Well, I got unpacked. Presents are put away and preparing to entertain some friends tonight to welcome in the New Year over some fried chicken. (It’s really about the fried chicken.) And I’m about to do what I do every year at this time…I’m about to remember. There are a lot of things in life we are told to forget. But I’ve learned that remembering can be your friend. And on December 31st of each year, when I sit down and read my last devotion for that year I spend time remembering. Remembering all of the amazing and beautiful things God has done in the life of my friends, my family and myself.

This year I’ll remember the baby he gave my precious friends who have struggled with the inability to have a child of their own for years, the disappointment they endured earlier in the year over a failed adoption, and the miracle of the little girl that now rests as their own under their roof.

This year I’ll remember how God faithfully provided for some family members who have spent the last year without a regular job, but who have never missed a bill and have seen God provide supernaturally.

This year I’ll remember how God has beautifully directed the heart of another friend in her desire for ministry. How He has settled her soul quietly before Him and she is resting in the peace that His plan is good and His timing is perfect.

This year I’ll remember my friends who discovered new love and had places in their hearts come alive and are now building new families and homes and experiencing the beautiful gift God gives in companionship.

This year I’ll remember my friends who have suffered some of life’s deepest losses and come through it more compassionate, more alive and their “ears pierced by their Father”, able to hear Him in ways they’ve never heard Him before.

This year I’ll remember how God allowed something I’ve dreamed of for over ten years be brought to fruition. Something I tried so hard to accomplish on my own, but it was my pain, that He chose to redeem to allow it to happen.

This year I’ll remember how wonderful it was to get back into regular ministry and The Whole Woman Revolution was launched and the first VBS in Franklin began and I discovered ministry in a way I’ve never known.

Remembering can be sweet…Remembering can give us a moment to remind ourselves that God has been extremely present and extravagantly kind. Before you put on your party hat, take out your sparklers and belt out your version of Auld Lang Syne, take a moment to remember all that our Father has done. It will be the perfect way to end your year…I promise.

There are a few moments in life when you get the privilege to see what love truly looks like. For the past year I have had the honor to sit each Tuesday afternoon with one of the most amazing men I’ve honestly ever met, named Doctor Lemmons. I had spent some time praying a little over year ago that God would bring some mentors into my life who could help me go to the next level of what God had for me. And one of those gifts came in the form of one of the sweetest men I know, Albert Lemmons.
We met over a dinner of ham, potato casserole and biscuits. (I’m willing to meet anyone over a dinner like that.) At the close of the evening I knew this was a man who had so much inside of him, and such a deep love for the Lord and knowledge of His word and I wanted it. I asked him if I could begin to meet with him weekly. I don’t think he thought I’d really show. But for the last fifty-two weeks I’ve only missed when I’ve had to.
The beauty of Dr. Lemmons is that he comes with Miss Patsy. Lord have mercy I’ve fallen in love with that woman. Every time I walk in their door she’s cooking something that smells so good. She’ll send me home with cucumbers, tomatoes, watermelon, you name it. If she’s got it in her garden she’ll share it with me. And on Wednesday of last week Miss Patsy went into the hospital for quadruple by-pass.
Late that evening I got to sneak in to see her with Dr. Lemmons. And what I saw was one of the sweetest things I’ve ever seen. It was a conversation that didn’t need words, though it had some. He assured her she had come through the surgery okay. She wanted him to go home and get rest. But it wasn’t the words that impacted me. It was the “knowing.” It was the unspoken part that runs between familiar hearts of fifty-five years. It’s what words don’t need. And it was that “knowing” that produces, familiarity, comradery, appreciation and an intense, inexpressible love.
I’ve learned the deepest type of love can’t be expressed through words. They’re completely inadequate for fifty-five years of life together. They’re more known through a touch, through a look, through a smile, through simply being present. And I got to observe it in its purest, finest form. As Dr. Lemmons leaned over his bride and her eyes opened to take him in they didn’t need words. And I knew in that moment that is what every heart truly craves…to be known in such a way that no words are needed.
As we walked down the corridor of the ICU ward I wrapped my arm around him and said, “That’s your girl in there isn’t it?”
He said, “You bet it is.”
And we didn’t say anything else until we hugged goodbye.
There are moments that you get to be a part of that in this life, that if you blink, you’ll miss them you may never get them back. And that moment was one of them. Kind of like the way I won’t forget this picture that I took of these two older lovers laying in the middle of the old city in Jerusalem taking in each other as if no one else in the world existed. I captured it on camera and it may be one of my favorite pictures from my entire trip.

But the thing I know is this. I am known. I am known this intimately. I am known by my thoughts, by my raised right eyebrow, by my tears, by my laughter, by my smile…I am known in the deepest places of my soul. Always have been actually, and it didn’t take marriage to make that happen. You are too you know. You are deeply and completely known. Often we crave something we think we are missing, but often times if we look hard enough we will realize we’re missing nothing at all. Because for every need we have, every title we crave, every secret dream we ponder, there is someone who knows it, hears it and sees it…you are known. Go into this Christmas season remembering that the one that knows you came to earth to find you…His name is Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God, Prince of Peace, Everlasting Father, Bright and Morning Star and He knows you….He knows YOU.

Where do you spend your Christmas?
With the folks- in South Kakalaki.

Do you give presents out?
If you mean am I the distributor- no there are nieces and nephews now. Adults don’t even get to touch the gifts.

Do you pay when buying presents for other people?
Do you mean there is someone that would do that for me? You’ve got to be kidding me! Where has this piece of information been?

Have you ever spent Christmas away from home?
No did that this Thanksgiving and will never do that for another holiday!

Have you ever not bought presents for other people?
There are a whole lot of people out there I have never bought presents for before.

Do you get a stocking still?
Absolutely! Love it!

What’s your favorite Christmas song?
Silent Night

What is your favorite Christmas Carol?
I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus. Actually did once. In fact, I’m thinking he’s my baby brother’s daddy!

What is your favorite christmas Movie?
Elf and It’s A Wonderful Life.

Have you ever been kissed under the mistletoe?
As long as I had to think about this question, I’m thinking not.

What is your favorite Christmas food?
All Christmas food.

Do you have any Christmas traditions?
My favorite is our Christmas Eve- we have steamed shrimp, French fries, cole slaw and rolls. And then we exchange gifts between us siblings and my nieces and nephew and we give mom and dad their gifts. Love it…every part of it…

Who is the hardest person to buy a gift for?
The hard part is not buying gifts for myself when I’m out buying gifts for other people.

What do you want for Christmas
My old self would say, “World Peace.” My new self will say a new Mac laptop. All that therapy has done wonders for me!

Santa or Rudolph? Santa

Stocking or presents? Stocking

Angel or star? Angel

Decorating the tree or putting lights on the outside? Decorating the tree

Warm cozy fires or sleigh rides? Cozy fire

Family time or friend time? Family time- they’re my friends too…

Expensive presents or presents that come from the heart? From the heart unless it’s a laptop.

Snow ball fight or snowman? Snow ball fight

Open presents quick or slow? Sllllllllllllllllllllooooooooooooowwwwwww

Real tree or fake tree?
There should be nothing fake about Christmas.

It’s all about Christmas!

Do you celebrate Christmas?
Seriously…

Do you like Christmas?
Seriously again…

Do expect presents at Christmas?
You’re cracking me up here.

Do you share your presents?
I’m rolling in the floor.

How early do you get up on Christmas morning?
For years it was before the sun came up because I was so excited.
Now it is before the sun comes up because I can’t sleep late anymore.

Can you sleep easily on Christmas eve?
I can go to sleep easily anytime.

Do you believe in Santa?
Absolutely. He just sent me a letter this week telling me he was watching me!

Do you do secret Santa?
If I told you it wouldn’t be a secret…

Have you ever stolen a present?
No. But I have opened quite a few presents before Christmas and then rewrapped them.

Do you spend Christmas with your family?
That’s the only way to spend it. And after spending Thanksgiving without them, I can’t wait!

Okay, so for the last seven years I have wanted to be on the amazing race. Even blogged about it a while back, only to have a counter blog done by my brother, telling why he wouldn’t go on the amazing race with me. Only after he sent in an audition tape with me six years ago.

But after my recent trip to Israel I have discovered why I now do not want to go on the amazing race. Here are my Top Ten Reasons:

1- I have to go to the bathroom way too much! And when your on a bus, on a plane, on a subway, on the street, in a race, it’s not the handiest issue to have.

2- I can’t stand long flights in claustrophobic places with the man behind me kicking my seat and hacking down my back! So, 30 days of that no longer feels appealing.

3- I cannot tolerate rude people. Just can’t. I’m from the south. Even if we do rude we do it so sweetly, it will take you two days before you realize we were being rude….just saying.

4- Foreign money is way too confusing. And for some reason just opening my wallet and saying, “Take whatever I owe you” didn’t work out real well for me.

5- I can eat no more Falafel! Can’t do it. If I see another fried chickpea I, well, I’m not sure what I would do.

6- Sister can’t do heights. I just can’t. Makes me weak in the knees. When Roxie all but hung off the cliff at Nazareth I thought I was going to collapse right there and it wasn’t even me!

7- I can’t do bad smells. I have the weakest stomach. And when you’re walking through a market with the entire inhabitants of Noah’s ark already skinned and hanging for dinner, well, it just doesn’t work out real well.

8- I don’t camp well. I don’t. Can’t apologize for it. When you travel with your own sheets you know you have an issue with hotels. And I can tell you there are times I’d rather be in a tent in my backyard than some of the hotels I’ve stayed in.

9- I can only survive on bread, cheesecrackers, and coke for so long. Even Jesus said, “Man can’t live on bread alone.” And He was so right!

10- And finally. I just can’t be that far away from my mama. There, I said it. So, until you can get Miss Darlyn, with her high heel shoes, her two pair of jeans (that it took her 65 years to buy herself), her vocabulary of “baby”, “sugar”, “honey”, “darlin’” translated into Swahili, and actually get the Amazing Race to let her be my partner, I’m not going!

I’m discovering how much of life is lived as a performance. How very few people actually engage life on a soul level. Think about it, we introduce most people by what they do. As if just being us separate of what we do isn’t enough. I came to the revelation a couple weeks ago that I spent years performing. I would have never labeled it as that. But I realized that is exactly what I was doing. I realized for me it came from a place of survival. I had to survive. And performing through life was the only way I knew to do that. So, I wrapped myself up in an image. An image that looked a certain way, often talked a certain way, and performed a certain way. Granted, there was a genuine thread of me that always ran through that. I loved people well. Truly loved them. But giving was much easier than receiving.

And what I realized is that when we live a life based on performance, we aren’t living. Not living the true design God created us to live. We are living a poor shell of existence that offers nothing of the genuine beauty of who God is. God has designed us indescribably alive. And to perform is to shut down our heart in such a way that it isn’t connected to Him. It is connected to what we think about Him. What we desire Him to see in us. How we desire Him to be pleased with us. But not connected to how deeply He loves us.

It is imperative for true survival, for true connection to our hearts to rid ourselves of performance. I may have survived for a season on performing, but trust me, there came a moment when all of it shattered and I was left with nothing but a pile of ruins. But once I began to dig out of them, I realized that the only way I could ever live, would ever live again, is in a transparent, raw, true state of living. That the “people pleaser” in me had to die. That I had to be okay if my saying “no” hurt someone’s feelings. That I had to be okay if people knew I didn’t have all my crap together. Yep, I just said crap. Part of being my authentic self.

And do you know what I discovered? People were drawn to that. Craved it. Were desperate for it. That’s why people are leaving the “manufactured” church for churches that are authentic and transparent. People can do performance themselves, they don’t need to come to church on Sunday morning and get more. We pay Hollywood and Broadway for that. Surely God must have something of far more value than both.

What are you losing by performing? What piece of the very soul of you are you shutting down that God created in you to be alive? I dare you to discover it. I dare you to lay aside the facade of what you want people to see, and allow your heart to live the life God created it to be. You will be amazed how people will flock to that. They are desperate for it. They are desperate for the real you.